Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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