i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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