I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
