piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
