i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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