he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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