If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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