Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
There are leaves in my underwear?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
