enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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