The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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