Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
