I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
