I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
