even my farts smell like vagina
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
