Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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