she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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