I was born with a shot glass in my hand
handjob tips. give me some.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
