Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A+ Viking dick
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
