I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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