At least make sure they are 18
Why
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
