life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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