theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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