you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
