Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
ttyl tear gas
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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