dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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