Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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