You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
