This is not my ceiling
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
