He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
