I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
