the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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