So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
