Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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