Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
