we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
