If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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