2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
