just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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