Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
