hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
