Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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