she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
