I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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