when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Even my vagina gasped.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
