Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
