Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
