I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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