the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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