so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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