dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
