they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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