He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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