just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
