Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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