on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
