Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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