uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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