mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
