This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
