So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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