If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
barbara walters just said penis...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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