The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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