I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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