We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Randomize
