I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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